After a couple of days of turkey hunt madness, a victor has emerged!
- Poldara has won the kill contest, with 170 turkeys killed.
- Spoo came second, with 166 turkeys impaled with his Turkey Spears.
- Virr was third, with 125 turkeys fed to her wolf.
- Brain came fourth, with 121 turkeys reportedly stuffed with shrimp.
Close to the end, the turkeys arose to a full-feathered final
resistance! The streets were awash with bloody feathers!
Wild rumours suggest the turkey uprising was led by a mysterious and
savage creature who would fight (and particularly flee) claw and beak
for the freedom of its people (or higher quality grain feed). We could
not understand the demands of the flighty mob; not even Linguafacilis
allowed us to make any sense out of the turkeys’ gobble. Whether this
creature of fable is but an old women’s poultrygeist tale or real
remains a topic of hot debate.
After the storm, the kill counts just in the top 4 had arisen by
hundreds: Poldara 346, Spoo 216, Brain 167 and Virr 125. Poldara shall
therefore by both counts be the proud new owner of a free issue of The
If you want to hear about your own results, ask Fir, Newt or Paldin.
Thanks to everyone who helped make this event possible, and be prepared
for the next time!
PS. Special canine nutrition reporter Virr notes that her Turkeywolf has
turned out fine and does not seem to have suffered any ill effects on
being fed on nothing but turkey carcasses. Research remains inconclusive
on whether this has made it any better at sniffing out hiding poultry.
This year, hunter-killers gather to expire turkeys like their holiday
dinners depended on them. The most skilled turkey hunters will be
rewarded with fame and a free copy of The Canticle.
The ones who claim to kill the most nutria get a copy of the Dalair Free Fishwrap.
Today, on 14th of Fearmonth, a mysterious admirer has been spotted sending roses to the womenfolk of Ancient Anguish. He cited as his reason the date: Fearmonth 14th is the traditional day of Garomia’s flower shop sales in Nepeth, called the vAAlentine’s Day.
Historians state that the name comes from a reordering of “Ten in a vale”, which refers to how many exotic-coloured flowers Garomia once discovered in a small valley, and decided to celebrate the day of this fortunate surprise (she had expected her search in a vale might not avail) every year with a flower sale.
Garomia would like to encourage everyone to send a flower to their friends and loved ones on this day. Or any other day, really.
As for the mysterious admirer, it seems all the roses sent were yellow – indicating friendship rather than romantic intent. “If I’m gonna send them to all the gals, I got to be careful,” he noted to our inquiring interviewers.
Meh, Ray had a little lamb
by Otter the black panther
Meh, Ray had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb
poor Ray had a little lamb and Otter all the rest.
Everywhere that Ray then went, Ray then went, Ray then went
Everywhere that Ray then went, he’d hear “it’s for the best”.
(Dangers of spending too much time in panther form.)
Separation, by Raederle
A pane of bubbled glass
Through which the sun scatters
Imperfect visions of you
Imperfect visions of me
An illusion of closeness
When our colours mingle
- Oh, breathless hope -
A rainbow forms…
In a blink
Pain so palpable
That fingers yet
Tears, like rain
Drip down the glass
Freeze against a cheek
Chill the fingertips
The Ancient Anguish Tourism Council has published the following travel advisory:
Rumours have recently surfaced regarding the disappearance of several
adventurers in the Kazari Desert far to the south of Tantallon. We
wish to reassure our citizens at this time that these rumours are
In fact, it is known that small desert caves are excellent places for
tired travelers to beat the heat.
- the Ancient Anguish Tourism Council
We are highly concerned that this travel advisory is in fact made with the interests of tourism councils more than the interests of travellers in mind. Everyone knows that the Kazari Desert has caused disappearances of reporters in the past already, rumours pointing to the northwest parts of the desert, and now they are saying the caves there are safe?
What if some assassins find you sleeping in the cave! Sure, the shade may be refreshing, but you should take care to not stay too long! And you do know everything in the desert is probably either poisonous or otherwise harmful, right? Deserts are not good for you!
We are hiring new reporters for exploring these new rumours, please sign up at the Gemynd pub – where the most dangerous thing you encounter is the beer!
(Acknowledgements: Buxley for original travel advisory. I need to start keeping manual track of these…)
As a regularly up-standing citizen (especially when bolas have been involved) I would like to voice my grave concern about the Gemynd peacekeepers having so loose clothes that they regularly seem to fall off them at the city gates. I have picked up several pairs of shirts and baggy pants there of late.
Luthien has said she has nothing to do with this either, although I got the impression she was also concerned that the poor fellows might be suffering from too much hotness.
It is imperative that the peacekeepers be given very tight uniforms that do not fall off. As a shapeshifter I know from experience that getting back home after you forget where you stashed your spare clothes can be quite an effort in stealthiness.
Do you know who I should petition for this development?
Anonymouus Water Rodent
Dear Anonymous Water Rodent,
Thank you for your question. My sources in Gemynd reveal that there can be no changing the peacekeeper uniforms! They are a time-honoured tradition passed down by generations of peacekeepers who would probably not have happened in the first place if they were any different.
Please comment with more letters to Laggy so that we can keep the quality of this column just a little bit higher, dear readers.